I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just google imaged poop.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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