I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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