turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
