if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
