you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
