I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
