how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
