My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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