Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You can't motorboat a personality
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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