Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
