another moral hangover. fuck.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
