who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
