my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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