you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
