Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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