I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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