...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
