Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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