the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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