Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Everyone says I win the strip club
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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