i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
