You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
