i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Rumble strips road head = magical
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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