somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
