That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
