Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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