I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
