I hate all girls vehemently.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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