as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
