Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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