i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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