Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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