I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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