when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
