2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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