last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You did what with his pubic hair?
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