You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
