He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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