Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
