She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
