I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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