I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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