Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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