i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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