mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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