You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
