hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
