nut hugger
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
