Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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