can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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