I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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