I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
