i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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