Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize