Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
