Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Randomize
