I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
