He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
