wrigley field is MILF paradise
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
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