you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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