i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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