and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
