i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
